I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As shirtless as possible
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
