So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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