Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
