I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
