I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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