I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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