I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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