i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
