AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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