I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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