i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
