I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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