I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
