Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
