you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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