So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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