Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
