In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
