You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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