I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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