some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
