listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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