In the future we'll all be gay
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
