I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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