Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
