just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
