God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
