I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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