if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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