I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Vodka?
Forever.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
