I'm going to jail i love you
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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