it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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