if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
