he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
