Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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