watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
