i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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