Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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