Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
