The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
