I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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