FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
