Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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