well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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