Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
