I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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