He uses pillows to masturbate.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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