Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
