So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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