There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
