Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
