He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
